guess im used to doin a daily updates n chit chatting to my surroundin frens who knws abt wad im goin thru now rather than 'pening' it here...hurhurhur...for many of those n also written in my blog here, im single since June...n i tot that after tht, after a few weeks or even mths, i shld have gotten over it already...during this period of time, YK aka Alan has been good to me, for those who knws things abt him, hes actualli a poly mate of mine...sending me to sch n picking me home then, buys me cakes n pastries and etc etc, brings me out for brunches etc etc...and on Elyane's weddin, he brought me over to the dinner, then we went over Prive to chill out n followed by a movie..then when goin home, he gave me this card..and lied to me that he received another 'red bomb' from his fren over at the gym..it was like 3+am that point of time already...i took the card out, n then, he drew on the card, askin me to be his gf, seriously at that point, i din feel anything at all....nt even the tinyest tinge of happinest or wadsoever, my feeling that time was jux to get out of the car n go hm...he held me tellin me to not post in FB...in which i wont do it in the 1st plc...we still continued to meet pretty often then i guess*tryin to recall as much as i can*..

then its like whenever we head out tgt, he'll try to hold my hands which is why, when with him, i'll carry my speedy out on sat* i usualli will change to my sling*, just din want my hands to be empty sortta thing...n theres this thing that i realli hate it BIG time but din tell him, cox i dun wan to spoil this frenship btw us...when in his car, he'll alwax demand for my hand..he wanna hold him...then im my heart, i'll be like cursing n swearing..thinking to myself.."WTF? u mean now i dun even have control of my own hands?"..alrite, maybe i wa wrong at the beginning for leading him on, giving him the impression or idea that i do feel something for him or anything like tht, but then again, to me, u wanting to hold my hands, seriously, i dun give a damn, cox i wont hold back, my hands will jux be like placed ther lightly...n i'll only hold back or grab when u realli meant something to me..thats just me...

n seriously, now i finally understand the meaning of overnight, everything can change...this sentence already...lol...on the weekend of Sept, we headed down Butter to celebrate his fren's, Jay's bachelor's nite...i drank quite alot...from shots to mixers to champange...u name it, i downed it all....during the partying, his frens kept asking me wad status were we...asking me if i felt anything for him n blah blah blah...n i guess, me, being best at a masked girl, naturalli i said, hes alrite, a nice guy, blah blah blah, i DO mean wad i sae but more imptantly, they were all his frens, i din want to put him dwn in any spot or anything like tht, so i said all the good stuff i can think of then* was a little high*..then when we were all at the smokin room chit chatting, his frens decided to help him by like pushin us tgt..we were both sharin a chair then, i hv no idea why n how tht happened..but cox i was kinda high already n therefore, he pushin me or his actions were like pissting me off, n whenever i wanna stand up, he'll hold me bk n ask me to sit dwn..was tooo high to rebuke back and i din want to argue infront of his frens n etc...his frens were like making fun of us and askin him to like kiss me to cfm everything...he kept taking my hands to kiss but Elvin kept insisting that tht din count n finally he gave in by givin me a peck on my lips..seriously, to be god damn honest, i didnt feel a single thing at all...n even now, thinking abt it and bloggin it, i same, still do feel a single shit at all...

that nite when we were leaving, when we were all dwnstairs and Fiona n ShuZhen were smoking, i actualli did the 'bravest' thing that i've nia done in my entire life...i actualli apps Steven!!! prior to that, i knew that both him and Ah Ping were over at BQ...

the abv 2 is only a short part of our conversation....its like i totalli had no idea wad i was typing lah..n kinda surprised that he knew..or maybe he also guessed his wae ard...lol...i had no idea, but cox after butter, we headed over Liang Court Mac to eat, Fiona was feeling hungry..n YK was sitting beside me when i was appsing Steven, then i remembered him saeing so late liao i still got apps sortta thing, chldnt be bothered to even ans him..eventualli Steven din come dwn cox i told him to not waste his $ then...+ it was rainin....

the following day on Sun, met up with Ah Ping and Mich over at Plaza cox ah Ping wanted to pas me the chocolates..n i told him both that i apps Steven the nite before n showed them the apps, n both of them din understand a single shit on wad i was typing...seriously, neither chld i when i guess woke up n read back...lol....Ping told me that there was this pot luck that he organised over at Kiong's place that we were suppose to go but ended up nt going due to certain issues, Ping said that prior to him in arranging that pot luck, he did ask Steven if he was alrite abt it and the latter said he was fine with it, therefore, Ping went to arrange it. n told me that actualli during that pot luck, Steven will ask me for a patch...when i heard that, my whole entire heart sank rock bottom...eventualli the session din happened cox Steven had to wrk n also a weddin dinner to attend to..and Ping got angry abt it...so the whole of Sun, nursing my hangover and bringing wad Ping said naturalli puts me mood down to zero n going negative...

Mon was a bz dae for me at wrk..Pauline was on leave and i was like rushing my wrk the entire dae still feelin moody...n when i was hm, i decided to sign in FB using hse com n saw this notification request..hav no idea when it was up, reckon was like maybe a couple of daes or so...YK putted his status in a r/s and was pendin at my side to approve it...naturalli again, i ignored it...not accepting it, neither rejecting it..i was in a state of confusion...

whole world keeps telling me that hes a good guy, hes a nice guy so on n so forth..yes, i knw hes nice n good...the thing that pisst me off then n even up till now is, why was it that everyone kept telling me wad to do but nobody asked me what i wanted!!!! yes, i dun deny that maybe wad i want isnt a good thing for me, but at least, i wont have any regrets~~ at least i knw i've tried then n given my all...

n to be dead honest, i cannt deny the fact that Steven was also real sweet to me then!!! during that 4mths that we were tgt, he brought me to eat wadever i wanted...we went watch movies tgt, he brought me n intro-ed me to his frens, brings me to pub n club tgt..ate chocolates with me*he simply dun like sweet stuff*..will reply my apps when hes in the midst of the gamin session..*cox we ever argued about it*..ate mac for me cox i wanted to collect to glass*aft that then knwing that he only ate the meat of the burger cox he isnt a fan of Mac* most imptantly, he kept up to all his promises by accompanyin me to all my doc's appt...and also bringing me to pray tgt with him to his grand parents and auntie over at Mandai* the 3 pple whom he respects the most* n the ONLY thing that he did wrong was to eventualli hurt me by breakin the r/s off..n THATS the only thing that YK hasnt done it...but who knws wad will lie in the future...

its like 2mths into my r/s with Steven, yeap, we were lookin ard for wedding bands and etc...n to be honest, i realli did think of settling dwn with him...time has nv been an issue to me, i alwax have this concept, you can be with this person for 10yrs but knws nuts abt him but with this perosn for 10daes n knw alot abt that person...its not the duration of time, but the effort being put in...

hes the 1st person that im willing to chiong all the wae down in the morning to ask him wad exactly happened, hugged him n cry in broad daylight..1st person that im willing to change my attitude and character for...1st person that up till now, 4th later, im still holding on...

i've made my decision on wed to give YK up cox for the 1st time, i just want to settle everything and get over something according to my own pace...in the past, i'll jux jump into another r/s before totalli gettin out of the previous one n therefore, nv a 100% committed and will do funni things...and a couple of daes later, on a sun, i changed my status in FB to single n rejected YK's request in that r/s status...

at 1st, i tot that by askin Steven on whether if he will wish me luck if i were to move on w/o him will aid me to the decision in being tgt with YK..but after that i realised that actualli, long ago, i've already made that decision up myself already...that i just wanna be alone right now...n just simply living life according to my own pace w/o another's suggestions or anything like that...

frens tell me that i'll regret the decision i've made by letting YK go now...maybe i will in future, maybe i wont...cox all along i tell myself, "if thats the decision you yourself make, dun ever look back..."..thats it, period. short n sweet~~

n yes, i dun deny that i've hurt YK in the entire process..but seriously, knowing that i've already hurt him, i dun wanna hurt him any further already...hes realli a fren that i dun wanna lose and yes, he already come clean with me his feelings towards me..but im those, i see things by 1st sight..if this thing caught my sight, i'll like it already...n all along, i kept thinking, if something were to realli happened btw us, it whld have a long time ago, why wait till nw?...

and actions taht YK does after me making my decision n making myself clear, pisst me off...i know its being good, but then, to me, im starting to see things from a diff angle already..its like Juan told me that he actualli went to pvt FB her on wad flowers i like and then on this evenin when i met mich for dinner, he came over n picked us up, he bought cakes for Mich n Chloe tgt with another box for me too, inside with flavors that my mama likes -_-"" at tht point of time, i was thinking, u dun have to go ' tao hao' my surroundin frens de lor...i see liao, i lagi more turn off..but to Mich's point of view, hes just being nice..in which yes i know, but i just cant help it but think this wae...

and surprisingly, Steven did reply to me apps recently...starting frm last fri..though not much, but at least, its still a reply =) seriously, a msg from him means the whole world to me now...

n recently, i kinda stopped appsin him already, cox when i apps him, hes apps will come in non stop =/ and asked if this sat aft my papers, we can go pak tor...pak ur shit head lor...i jux wanna be frens, which line or word of it does he not understand?..its realli getting on my nerves lor..*fuming*

been typing this post for the past hr already...will blog again...lol >.< mega long post to give a brief n somewhat detailed thing abt my life...

not realli in the mood to talk or sae things out now, but just wanna sae thanks for everyone who has called, sms or whatapps me with regards to what happened yst..i appreciate them..

yes, the r/s between me n steven has ended...be it whether i want or not, its not up to me already, wads done is already done..n its the fact...no doubt we celebrated our 4th monthniversary on Sat (18 June 2011) but then, he came down my plc yst afternoon and we had a long talk, and now, we have both officially ended the relationship..guess i wouldnt be bloggin for quite some time le gua...anywae..thts just abt it..

thanks for everyone who have showed concern n thanks for all the best wishes.....